While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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