So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
