so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
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at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
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You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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