i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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