I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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