New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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