Whod you bang
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
