i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
