So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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