Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
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Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
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Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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