I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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