you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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