so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
