got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
