Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
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It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
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Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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