well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
