new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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