I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
