The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
