why didn't you poke me back
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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