my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
