I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you win again, gameday.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
