I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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