just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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