Only a mothe r could love this liver
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
