Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
