Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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