I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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