Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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