i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
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