Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I am naked and annoyed.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
