You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
