As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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