dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Randomize
