The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
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