on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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