Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
