Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
