I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
