There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
