I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
