I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
