If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
