If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
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