Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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