i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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