I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
