just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Are these your boobs on my camera?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
