the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
