Me too!
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Randomize
