I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
