i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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