You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
