I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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