Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
