i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
