i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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