3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
