Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
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I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
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i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.