Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.