the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
