Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
17 Subtle Body Language Signs That Reveal A Lot About Someone
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.