I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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